..I lost someone important today. This morning he slipped away in his sleep after having a heart attack. I don’t have a lot to say. I feel so much agony but at the same time nothing at all. I knew he was going to go some day. I just didn’t know it was going to happen so soon. I wish I could have prepared myself for it. I wish I had talked to him more before this. I was so numb, and so scared for him, I couldn’t bring myself to see him..to talk to him, despite how much I pitied him and loved him so much. Even after everything that happened before and after the divorce.I didn’t even know where he was half the time. I haven’t seen him in over a year, or as far as I know. The last time I saw him he looked so old and withered, I was so afraid of having to see that again. So I turned myself off emotionally whenever I thought about him and couldn’t bring myself to reach him no matter how much I missed him. Now, I wish I did, of course. I’m so disgusted with myself.
Dad, I’m so sorry. I love you so much. I know I’ve had my times when I was cold to you, and so angry with you, but I want you to know that I never stopped loving you. Ever. You were the only one of my parents that actually understood me. You were always a role model to me. I always wanted to be tough and casual like you, because I was your daughter. I was your little girl that you adored so much. I adored you too.
I love you, papa. I hope you know that.
I hope I’ll be able to see you again.